About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
