Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I have demons in me.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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