I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Acid is not a monday night drug
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Randomize
