I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
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if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
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Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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