id be glad to
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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