If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
