i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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