I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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