Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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