Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
