My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
