uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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