Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
