All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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