Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
