$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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