He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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