I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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