You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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