respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
We need to get me chipped asap
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
