You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
