i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
