google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
