i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
