It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
