And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
