I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
