blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
