I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
