It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
