: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
