there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
