I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Randomize
