I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
