I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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