Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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