mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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