I wish my penis had an off switch
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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