I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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