Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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