Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
