I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
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I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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