why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
