I like my sex mixed with concussions.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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