my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
