were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
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got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
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He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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