if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
