True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I love you. Go after that dick
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
