I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
