He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
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While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
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The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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