hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
