So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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