nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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