you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
