just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
