I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
