I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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