im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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